*trigger warning* suicide and self harm.
I’m Jessica Elliott and I suffer from ADHD, anxiety, depression and depersonalization/derealisation and because of these, I struggle with self harm and suicidal thoughts.
So… this is something I wasn’t sure if I want to talk or post about this, with no one, as no one reads my posts anyways. But like I say a lot, I do it for me, helps get stuff off my mind but if someone does read this and it helps them. Then that’s a bonus, but in saying that I’m still unsure weather I will be posting this, but we will see. As I’ve mentioned plenty of my posts, I’m sick. I suffer from the above conditions, mental illnesses, whatever you want to call them. This post will be about everything above. How or why, just explaining stuff and thangs.
When I was 14 I tired to commit suicide. I swallowed 28, roughly, paracetamol. But not knowing, you can not overdose on paracetamol(that’s what the doctors said) but I could have done damage to my liver and could affect me when I’m older. Before I took the tablets, I was crying a lot and gave myself a headache from the crying, so I needed paracetamol to get rid of it. I can’t remember why I was crying, I think I had a fight with mum but I couldn’t stop myself from swallowing the whole packet and then some.
At this point, I can’t remember how long I was hurting myself. I don’t think it was long before. I remember the first time. I didn’t have a razor and I was to scared to use it anyways but I had tweezers, quite blunt but a little sharp and I just was trying to cut myself with them. Being a little blunt I went over and over the same spot until it drew blood. This was on my fore arm near my elbow crease. At this point in my life, I wasn’t (still not) wanted by my dad, my mum had her own issues that I wont go into detail, a lot of personal stuff was going on and I honestly didn’t have good friends.
I remember once, this guy, who I thought was one of my best friends, told me he hated me and that I was on his hit list (to kill list) in front of my other supposed best friends… Did I mention I was in year 4? What kid in year 4 has a hit list?.. He was also the group ‘leader’ so I lost all my friends and everyone hated me. This other time, my best friend who I had just given a best friend bracelet to, gave it back in front of all her friends, again being stranded. I remember it as clear as day, she didn’t say anything, she just gave it back and her other friends were staring at me and I looked at her in the eye just in disbelief and then I walked away. She and her friends always walked past me and flipped me off or called me a loser.. this was year 5.
Anyways, you probably are thinking everyone has these things in primary school, but it shaped me, and its just a small taste of what happened and then this followed me to high school..
Oh, and something else would be that I didn’t hear from my dad for about a year since we had moved away, so I tired to call him. His wife answered, and told me I had the wrong number… so at this point I hadn’t heard from him in about 5 or 6 years. I don’t blame his wife anymore, he didn’t try, he never tried.
So I didn’t have much going for me. I remember going to bed after swallowing them and thinking I wasn’t going to wake up. I don’t know why but my brother and I, (can’t remember if my sister was there), we moved our mattresses to the lounge room and we were sleeping there. As I was falling asleep, I reached for Alex’s hand and kept holding it as I fell asleep. I woke up, throwing up EVERYWHERE. Mum just thought I was really sick, so I stayed in bed all day. I counted how many times I threw up and how often. It was every 30 minutes and after I threw up I would feel better until it would build up again and throw up again. I think I counted 50 times I threw up in that day. I couldn’t hold anything down. I was getting scared. I remember telling mum why I was so sick. She kept asking why. why. why. why. why. I can’t 100% remember what I said but it was like, ‘because I’m sad.’..
Mum rushed me to the hospital and I remember the doctors kept asking me why. why. why. why. I remember being in the hospital bed and being surrounded by doctors. I think the worst part of it all was mum having to leave me because my sister and brother were at home so my Oma (grandma) had to come and sit with me. I was so sad and embarrassed. I don’t know why I was embarrassed but I think it had something to do with my Oma being one of my favourite people in the world. She only asked me why once.
The only thing I could sometimes hold down was a drink of half milk and half water. I cant remember how long I was in hospital for. I know it was a short stay it was either over night or for 2 nights maybe. But I remember leaving the hospital and being in the car. As we were driving, I put my hand outside the window and being in the sun. Feeling it on my skin, I hadn’t seen the sun in a few days and I was so so weak and sad. I loved the feeling of the sun on my skin… I was just focused on the sun. It made me happy. I told myself I didn’t want to be in this situation again. Little did I know, it takes more then just saying that to get better..
From here, I moved in with a family member in another state while mum was saving and sorting out everything to move down with me. I, to this day am so disappointed that I left my brother.. but anyways that’s a story for another time. Moving in with family, was not good. I had never felt so alone… I went through a lot personally. They just were different and ran differently to what I was use to. There were a lot of fights and tears but I don’t want to go into detail. So I turned again to hurting myself. I had a bobby pint hat I had removed the plastic ends. I use to run it over and over my thigh, there was a lot of blood.
I moved out and moved back in with mum once mum had moved down. Now at this point, with everything that I was feeling I didn’t even think I was depressed. It wasn’t until a friend mentioned it to me. I thought I was fine just got sad sometimes.
Now I’m 15 and more shit happened, gained friends, lost friends, starting drinking there for a small bit, started smoking a little bit as well. Not crazy, because I knew it was wrong. It didn’t last very long. Then more shit happened, then shit, found out I had depersonalization/derealisation, shit, shit. Everything shit. I don’t want to go into crazy detail. I think I’ve already gone in to much detail. I might delete some stuff.. lol.
Fast forward to today, I’m sad. All the time. Sometimes I just cry all day, on and off. I really just don’t know some days. Somedays I honestly want to die. I am not going in to detail as to how I feel and what I think about when it comes to suicide because I don’t want to put something it in someone elses head. But I still hurt myself from time to time but i don’t want to talk about how. Makes me a bit uncomfortable to say how and again I don’t want to put it in someones head.. The only person I will talk about how I feel is my phycologist.
Speaking about my phycologist, he laughed when I mentioned suicide. I’m not going to him anymore, I also wasn’t getting better. He wasn’t helping me. He said, ‘When you have the flu, you don’t get kill yourself. You get better.’ as he laughed. Which is true, but made me feel a lot worse.
I’ve stopped talking about my feelings to people, which is good kinda. I don’t just go and speak to someone. I’m forced to actually process my feelings. Why I’m sad. Why I feel the way I do. I’m also not bothering people.
BUT!! I’m trying to get better. I’m really trying… I keep writing post about how I’m getting better. So if you are interested, read them.
Thanks for reading.
By the way,if you have any questions, let me know. Also, I’m always here if anyone wants to talk..
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