Getting better post 24/06

So, this is something I’vewanted to talk about with someone and again feel lost, alone and don’tknow who to talk to so why not write a blog on my blog website that no one reads, haha woo…

Anyways, about a month ago I was talking about how I am sad and I don’t know why. Their response and I quote,’ wow, this is so draining.’…… so yea, I was pretty gobbsmached, speechless, I really don’t know. HURT. Backstabbed, lonely.. you name it.

After some thinking, I realised that it would be draining. and I don’t blame them anymore. I have known this friend for years, and have always turned to them for help. So I completely agree, it’s so draining.It’s soooo draining for myself, let alone everyone I’m involving in my own nightmare. So I have now desided to shut up. Not tell my friends or family anything any more keeping everything to myself. So more darker days are getting darker. BUT my brighter days are getting a little less gloomy. But it’s funny, me not talking about my issues has put a strain on my friendship now.

I’ve been trying to get happy and maybe cutting this friend off will be better for them, better for the person I love. It was selfish to tell people my issues all the time. So so selfish. The people I love deserve so much better. So so so much better. Time to hold everything in, and sort it out instead of spilling it onto the people I love and effecting them. The people I love deserve more then the negativity that I give out, that I feel about life.

My feelings aren’t the only ones that matter.

I guess that is the biggest thing about getting better. Getting darker but I get through it.

I’m so, so sorry to all my friends, family and loved ones. You all deserve so much better. I will get better. I love you.

Thank you for reading.

-Tattoo Addition Meaning-

 

 

Sup bitches.

Sorry, I’m in a weird mood. ANNNYWAYYYSSSS, Monday the 19th I went with my friend Catherine AKA Loopie Fruit. To what I thought was her getting her tattoo touched up by her artist and me getting a quote to get family tattoo fixed. She had previously showed her artist a phot of my family tattoo prior. So we go and I asked how much it would be and he said $80. I then asked Loops if she is still getting her tattoo touched up and she informed me that we just came to get a quote for me. The man then asked me when I was free next and I said I would look at my roster. He then said why don’t you just get it done now. I was freaking out at this point but said yes anyways haha, I’m trying to say yes to more things. As he is getting set up I asked how much it would be to get a question mark on my ankle, and he said he would include it in the $80. So thats how I randomly got a new tattoo hahah.

So firstly I will Show you a before and after of my family tattoo:ofamily

family

ITS SOOOOOO MUCH BETTER I KNOW, I CANT BELIEVE I WAS WALKING AROUND WITH THAT TATTOO ON ME. EMBARRASSING.

Now to my new addition,

qmark

So this little puppy is on the outer part of my left ankle and as you can see it is ?

and you may think why a ?. the reason I got this tattoo is because life is full of question marks. who am I? who will I be? what am I? where am I meant to be? what is my purpose? do I even have a purpose? what does the future holds? do people even like me? should I take a risk? just a whole bunch of ????????????????????? and shows that really no one especially me knows anything. I honestly love it.

 

Thanks for reading.

Getting better 6/6/17

So, lately I’ve been trying to get better. But in order to get better, I must understand what is wrong with myself. So, I’m Jessica Elliott, I suffer from anxiety, depersonalization/derealisation, ADHD and  depression. I also struggle with self harm and suicidal thoughts.

(if you are unsure what depersonalization/derealisation is, please read my blog ‘Derealizwhat??’)

So like I said I have been trying to get better, but it’s been really hard. It funny really actually because I’m sad but it has gotten worse because I’m focusing on it and trying to get better, making my dark days darker. But it is ok but it is going to be hard and a battle but anyways, I got to do it. Over letting it all win, over not being happy, over it.

So here is what I’ve been doing to get better, but remember getting better is small steps-

  • Dealing with my problems myself, I’ve come to a realisation that I’m draining the people around me with my issues, so to stop that, I’m keeping my issues to myself and my blog.
  • Taking responsibility for my own happiness and not relying on other people, doing what I wanna do and not wait for other people to do it with me. Not fair on other people or myself.
  • Alone time, same as above but doing stuff by myself. Well not only stuff but things I love to do like go to look outs. (I’ll post some photos down below)
  • Camomile Tea, I’ve started drinking Camomile Tea because it known from helping and calming anxiety. I’ve been having at least one a day with honey  but I don’t know if its working ye, like it is quite relaxing but I think that is any tea. I don’t know if it calms anxiety yet, I will let you know.
  • Limiting facebook time. Facebook is not good, there is nothing good on facebook. Facebook is just terrible news, or friends that are travelling, people who are cooler then you and just eats up time, you are on fb at 9am and you wink and its 12pm, so silly. So before I go to sleep I log out, wake up check my messages and try to go on fb, see its logged out and realise what I’m trying to do. I try and not log back in until 10am. 
  • Limiting phone time, being more in the moment. Actually watching a movie or being with a friend or family, not sitting on my phone. 
  • Being more productive during the day, so my days don’t feel wasted.
  • Trying not to stress about life, which is easier said then done.

There is so much more I could be doing to get better but as I’ve said its baby steps. The next huge step is to meditate and practice mindfulness. 

I’m blogging how I’m trying to get better in the hopes it could help someone else or you. It gets better.

Thanks for reading. I’m here if you need someone.
When I took my self to a look out.

    Self hate

    Lately I’ve been so consumed by self hate. I don’t know what to do.

    I just hate the fact that I can’t stick to something, anything. I hate that I don’t have hobbies, or am good at saving money. I hate that I’m not good. I hate that I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing with my life, or that anything I do in my life I’ll have to work so fucking hard for because I have no luck. I hate that I’m so lame, not funny and am so fucking boring. I hate I honestly don’t know who I am or what I want or what I want to be. I hate that when I get ideas, I get way to excited and then realise I can’t do it and get sad, I hate that I try so hard to be a good person but I’m not good. I hate that I feel no one likes me. I’m not good, I’m not anything. I hate that I spend way to much money on bullshit, I hate that I’m so unlucky and always get shit on. I hate that I like gambling, I hate that I can never fucking walk away. I hate that I’m so fucking alone all the time, hanging out with friends only makes me feel less significant, less wanted. I hate that I put so much pressure on myself but I have to. What am I doing with my life?!?! I hate that I try and get better but I just get worse. I hate that I’m way to awkward and can’t make friends or keep them. I hate that I try way to hard with people who don’t care and not enough with people who I care about. I honestly don’t know what I’m doing. 

    Thoughts: 30/4/17

    Again I honestly don’t know even how to start this but I fucking love this blog, ask anyone who knows me well, especially my girlfriend. It makes me happy, somewhere to vent and it’s just a space for me by me. This blog is for me and I fucking love it. I always wanted to start like a YouTube channel but I’m so boring and lame, like I’m the least bit funny. I also care waaaaaayyyyy to much what people think. As soon as someone says I have an ugly head, I’m chopping it off and I have no doubt that it will be the first comment. 

    Ok ok, I won’t chop it off but I won’t leave the house for a few days or won’t leave unless I’m cake faced or paperbagged. So YouTube is a no go, I’m also not creative, like at all. So like coming up with stuff to do, isn’t going to happen. Coming up with jokes, isn’t going to happen. Even like editing the videos, isnt going to happen. Unless I wanted like a PowerPoint fade to the next clip and I ain’t about that. 

    What would I even try and do in my videos? I’m not good at anything. Cooking, nope. Comedy, narh. Make up, no. Sports, what a joke. Like diy stuff, like I said not creative. So yep, YouTube isn’t going to happen. 

    But I don’t know what to do, like with life. I have a bunch of the most random qualifications you can think of and I don’t think I want to go into any of them, see one thing about me is I’m a quitter. A straight up quitter. As soon as I don’t like something a little bit or it’s a little to hard, it’s out of my life. I have a certificate in property services (real estate) and I was in the office for 2-3 hours before walking out. Don’t get me wrong, I was so completely and utterly disapointed in myself. But the boss was a dick in the interview and the workers were the same. Also homophobic, sexist, not nice, didn’t get trained and had me cold call people an hour in to my shift, no one knew why I was hired, one of the bosses made a joke about me over the phone to another worker not knowing she was on loud speaker, just a heap of little things within a 2-3 hour space. 

    Funny story, ran into the girl that was hired after me in another real estate office. She informed me that she and 2 other girls were fired on the spot after the boss got back from a boys weekend away. Turns out he lost all his money to cocaine and couldnt afford to pay them. Glad I got out when I did. Maybe it was a good thing I left after 3 hours.

    I’ve also got a diploma of business and diploma of travel and tourism. I got a job in travel, and left after a week. Again, COMPETELY DISAPOINTED in myself. 

    Had a job as a sales representative, lovedddddd it, and I left. I have no idea why and it was a huge mistake. The boss seemed to like me and was willing to work with me with shifts. Obviously at the time I thought it was the best thing for me but still, dumb Jess.

    IM SO SHOCKED I HAVENT QUIT THIS BLOG YET TO BE HONEST.

    I guess none of this means anything as long as I’m successful and to me to be successful is to be happy and a decent person.

    But I’m not even that. No way near it.

    I’ve had sooooooo many people tell me that I put way to much pressure on myself. But I don’t get that. I’m 20, yea I’m young whatever. But time is flying by, it takes like 4 years to save for a deposit for a house. But I also want to travel, and then the car breaks down and life happens and bam no money and can’t buy a house until I’m 35. Which, don’t get me wrong, is not bad at all. But you have to work harder when your older. If I buy a house say in four years, 24. Future me will thank me. I have to work hard, so hard right now in order for further me to have a roof over my head and to have travelled the world. 

    Not only that but ok I’ll relax, stop putting pressure on myself, I have time. Bam, I’m 25, and EVERYONE will be judging or have something to say. Like I don’t have a career or money or a house and mum will want me out and people will think I’m a bum. I will think I’m a bum. So don’t tell me I put to much pressure on myself, cause I do, I know. But how am I suppose to be chill, when nothing will happen in my life unless I work for it. Work hard for it! I won’t stop until I am happy and I know the future  will be ok.

    Anyway, with that all written down I feel a bit better. I have to wake up at 6am and its 11:30pm. I’m going to die. I need a solid 8 hours to function. 

    Goodnight guys !

    thai travel blog 20/4-26/4

    Thursday 20th April Today we did nothing. It was a good day. We both weren’t feeling well. In the morning we went for a walk around Karon and then went to the beach. After this we decided to go to Big Buddha and the Chalong Temple so we headed back to the hotel to quickly shower and we asked a few taxis how much it would cost to do go to Bjg Buddha and the temple and all of them said 1300-1500 baht (around $60 aud) so we went and showered and I did some research and found you can hire a private driver for 1200-1500 baht for 6 hours which is a lot better value. So we booked that in for tomorrow, starting at 10am. We then decided to have some lunch which we had at the hotel and then went for a back massage. All afternoon we hung by the pool and had a few cocktails, which wasn’t good for someone who is sick. Not my smartest move.. 

    The worst thing about Thailand is the heat, and not because it’s hot but because it takes so much out of you. I need a nap every 3 hours ! Obviously, I don’t but I get really sleepy. For the night we stayed in bed and watched movies. I love spending time with my baby.

    Friday 21st April 

    So today the plan is to be picked up at 10am, sightsee, home then maybe a Muay Thai fight. We get in the car and the driver is lovely, he is really funny and keeps. We went to a Karon Lookout, where you can see Karon, Kata and Kata Noi beach-


    Then our driver said he had a surprise for us and took us to this look out- 

    This man wanted a photo with us so we got a photo with him. 


    We just went to Big Buddha and it was amazing. There is so many Buddha statues everywhere. We also purchased a marble title that will be used in the creation of the inside. Here are some photos- 

    There was also wild monkeys !!! Here look-

    But there were men with slingshots scaring them off because apparently they bite.

    On the way up to Big Buddha there were baby elephants that you could feed. Abby and I are all about doing things correct and ethically, that’s why we aren’t going to Tiger Kingdom or going elephant trekking. We really did want to see and touch an elephant so we thought this was the best most ethically way is to feed one. We spent 100 baht ($4) on bananas to feed the elephant and then the lady said something to the elephant and then the elephant kissed me. Here is the photo –


    It was such an awesome experience but I didn’t realise until I looked at the photos that it’s leg was tied up. I was caught up in the moment but realised after that the elephant was trained to kiss people. Which sucks. I wanted a natural experience. Bit disappointed.

    We then went to Chalong temple. I’m not religious well I don’t think but seeing people pray is so special, so spiritually, breath taking. Chalong Temple was amazing. Some photos- 


    We were then taking to a few different shops and lookouts.

    Tonight we saw a Muay Thai fight and caught up with our contiki friends from our trip last year. It was amazing ! Seeing Maddie, Candy and their friend Diego and catching up was fantastic ! 

    I could not keep my eyes off the Muay Thai fight. I honestly didn’t think I was going to enjoy it at all, but oh man I did !! It all looked so doggy where the fight was held.


    Saturday 22nd April

    Today we probaly slept in a little to long and we met up with our contiki friends that we hung out with last night. We hung out at a restaurant at Patong after Abby and I had relaxed on the beach for a while. After hanging out, Abby and I went to the Phuket Town Night Markets and tried some weird food again.

    Sunday 23rd April 

    Today we didn’t do much during the day because I still am not well, I had to have a doctor come to our hotel room and I had to have a shot. Which sucked, was terrifying and I thought I was going to died. 

    Tonight we went to Phukets FantaSea. FantaSea is like a cultural theme park and they have a big show at certain times. I really had no idea what any of that above really meant but holy shit. It was weird ! I enjoyed my time, it was good.

    As you walked into the area before the enters nice of the park there is a small lake which you get to feed the fish and there are statues of the Thai gods, (I think that’s what it is) is was beautiful. When we walked in there were lots of stores and side show games. Abby and I played a few side show games as we got there at 6:30pm and the show wasn’t until 9pm. Our ticket included the show, entry to the park, dinner and transfers to and from and cost us 2,200 baht ($88 aud). So we headed to dinner which was is a HUGGGEEE hall that looked like a temple. This hall had rows and rows of food for each section, and there was about 3 or 4 sections that could hold thousands of people. 

    After dinner, which for me consisted of bread and plain rice because I felt soo sick, we walked out side to see people running elephant rides. This was so disappointing. I felt so sick to my stomach, I’m totally against anything like this, we both are, like I’ve stated above. This is why Abby and I haven’t gone elephant trekking or gone to tiger kingdom or anything of the sort. 

    We kept walking around and saw a shop, so we went in. There were some gates and a man said welcome, the show is free. We walked in not knowing what the fuck we got ourselves into. There was animals hanging around which was cool, some cockatoos, when a Aussie man looked at us and said ‘hey, they are a long way from home.’

    We kept walking and then all of a sudden there was two white tigers in a cement area. This was absolutely sickening !!! I agree with zoos to some degree, as long as they are being treated well. To see these absolutely beautiful tigers in such poor conditions was heart breaking. They obviously didn’t live in this area, this was just their, show cage I guess. They had no toys and such little situation in this area that one of them started running around in circles. You could see pee all over the cement and because the cage was painted nicely, his feet were slipping as they were just walking. I had to walk away..

    The theatre was absolutely stunning, it was theme exactly like the outside. They have this rule where you have to drop off any phones or recording devices and they keep them for the show which was painful, and is why I didn’t get any photos. 
    The show was amazing, there were shadow puppets, fire works, rain, acrobatics, fire, dancing, singing, you name it they probably had it. The show was about how the King and his magical elephant defected evil. It was honestly such a beautiful cultural show….. Until the animals got involved. I don’t mean an elephant, I mean 16 elephants, chickens, goats, doves and baby water buffaloes. They were all trained to do something. In the show the elephants were made to sit on their bum and bring their front legs up off the ground. They looked so uncomfortable… Truely disgusting, and I know how they train elephants..

    Although it was a fantastic show, I’m not going to recommend it to anyone. For the fact that animals are used in the show.

    Anyways, went back to the hotel and threw up !! I’ve honestly been so sick this whole holiday.

    Monday 24th April

    Today just beach, Abby being fitted for her suit, dino mini golf, and shopping. 

    Tuesday 25th April

    Today we did the rest of our shopping for our friends and family which is such a relief. We tried going to the beach twice and every time we try it starts to rain, rain heavily. So every time we have to run back to our hotel. Not because we are pussies, but because we have all our stuff with us, like mobiles, cash, card, our bags and we don’t need any of the stuff wet for when we leave tomorrow. So we decided just to hang out at the hotel pool because we could leave our stuff in our room because we were two steps away, we just needed our key. We hung out, played in the pool, played pool for the rest of the night.

    We started packing because we leave tomorrow.

    Wednesday 26th April 

    Today is the day we are leaving Phuket. Our flight is 1am tomorrow so we are getting picked up at 9:30pm. 

    I had a blast but I’m ready to have fresh air, not feel sick anymore and real tomato sauce. 

    Abby, thank you so much for coming with me on this experience. You’re are most amazing person in my life. I don’t know where I would be without you. We are making our dreams come true. I love you so much. Now going back to hardly seeing you… I love you babe. I really do. Thank you for putting up with me being sick the whole time.

    Thanks for reading guys, I hope everyone enjoyed.

    thai travel blog 16/4 -19/4

    Sunday 16th April

    Great news guys, today we had an amazing day for once.

    So we couldn’t find our card, it’s gone forever. So now we have to take money out of our normal debit card and is going to cost an arm and a leg. But it could be worse.

    So in the morning we went to the beach and swam and relaxed. We then went shooting and I shot my first gun!!! An assault rifle and it cost 690 plus 200 for photos so 890 baht, (36 aud) I sucked but it was quite fun. The man they was helping us didn’t speak but we was funny and very helpful, then we went to lunch and I had Pad Thai, yum! Then we went shopping at the Phuket Town Night Markets, this was so great but really busy. We found some crazy foods like corn fairy floss type of food. Amazing.

    Monday 17th April

    Today we went to Phi Phi Islands ! The Phi Phi Islands we went to was Phi Phi Don and Phi Phi Le. These islands consist of Maya Bay which is the beach from the movie, The Beach with Leonardo DiCaprio, Viking Cave and Monkey Beach with is a beach with a lot of monkeys.

    We had to wake up at 5:30am to be picked up by 6:15am. So early but worth it. It was an hour boat ride from the marina and first stop was Maya bay, Abby and I can NEVER get nice photos but here are some terrible ones of Maya bay: 

    It was truely stunning. We could walk to the other side of the island which was such an amazing view. Which we then went and snorkelled in. Here are some photos:

    We then went past the Viking Cave which is where people harvest birds nests for bird nest soup and other bird nest products. It’s the bird saliva that is used to make the best that is sort after. 


    We then travelled to Monkey beach but we weren’t allowed to get off the boat. It was adorable. There were monkeys everywhere baby ones and the tour guide was throwing bananas and they would swim into the water to grab the bananas. Here are some photos: 

    Then we went to another area to swim:



    Then we stayed at Phi Phi Don beach for a while and just hung out. Here are some pics: 
    We then headed home. Absolutely stunning. Would love to do it again. 

    Tonight we went to a Ping Pong show. This was interesting and I wouldn’t do it again. It exactly what your thinking it would be and a lot more. Ping pong balls, pins, razors, bottles, fish and even a bird ! We had to walk out.. It was free to go in but you have to buy a drink,which is 1200 (23aud) baht then goes down to 250 (10 aud) baht after that which is still very expensive !

    Tuesday 18th April

    Today we went ziplining at Flying Hanuman. It cost 3,500 baht (140 aud) It was absolutely beautiful. It was high in a forest. So amazing. Absolutely doing things in nature. It was absolutely exhausting a hot but 100% worth it. It included zip lines, platforms, abseiling for 3 hours. Here are some photos:


    Tonight we went to Simon Cabaret show. It is a cabaret show of Thai lady boys. They lip sing and dance. Their outfits are out of this world. It was amazing, it was funny and stunning. I would recommend it to anyone coming to Phuket. It cost 800baht (33 aud) with transfers to and from the hotel. Bit afterwards, they was all of the performers lined up and they let you get photos with them for 100baht (4aud) per performer per photo and we gave them an 100 baht and 1000 baht (40 aud) instead of a second 100. 😦 we are having a lot of bad luck on this holiday.


    Wednesday 19th April

    Last night was our last night in our hotel at Patong. We are now staying in Karon Beach. Why you may ask, because we wanted to do all the touristy stuff at Patong and now in Karon we can relax more and do more cultural activities. Karon is only a 20 minute drive from Patong but is a lot more quite with less people. This hotel is super nice and has movie channels which is awesome, but the wifi sucks but it could be a lot worse.

    So check out was at 10am and check in was at 2pm so we woke up, had breakfast and packed our stuff. We then checked out and left our bags at the hotel while we went for a walk. We then spent the rest of the morning relaxing and hanging out at Patong beach (I got a massage :D) until it was closer to our check in time. It was a pretty amazing morning. After we got to the hotel, I asked Abby if we could stay in all night, dinner is included here so we just had to get room service for lunch. She said yes, and then we fell straight asleep. It’s so crazy humid here and you don’t realise you are even tired until you wake up from a nap. We slept for almost 2 hours and then went to dinner.

    Today was awesome !
    Thanks for reading.