Thoughts: 30/4/17

Again I honestly don’t know even how to start this but I fucking love this blog, ask anyone who knows me well, especially my girlfriend. It makes me happy, somewhere to vent and it’s just a space for me by me. This blog is for me and I fucking love it. I always wanted to start like a YouTube channel but I’m so boring and lame, like I’m the least bit funny. I also care waaaaaayyyyy to much what people think. As soon as someone says I have an ugly head, I’m chopping it off and I have no doubt that it will be the first comment. 

Ok ok, I won’t chop it off but I won’t leave the house for a few days or won’t leave unless I’m cake faced or paperbagged. So YouTube is a no go, I’m also not creative, like at all. So like coming up with stuff to do, isn’t going to happen. Coming up with jokes, isn’t going to happen. Even like editing the videos, isnt going to happen. Unless I wanted like a PowerPoint fade to the next clip and I ain’t about that. 

What would I even try and do in my videos? I’m not good at anything. Cooking, nope. Comedy, narh. Make up, no. Sports, what a joke. Like diy stuff, like I said not creative. So yep, YouTube isn’t going to happen. 

But I don’t know what to do, like with life. I have a bunch of the most random qualifications you can think of and I don’t think I want to go into any of them, see one thing about me is I’m a quitter. A straight up quitter. As soon as I don’t like something a little bit or it’s a little to hard, it’s out of my life. I have a certificate in property services (real estate) and I was in the office for 2-3 hours before walking out. Don’t get me wrong, I was so completely and utterly disapointed in myself. But the boss was a dick in the interview and the workers were the same. Also homophobic, sexist, not nice, didn’t get trained and had me cold call people an hour in to my shift, no one knew why I was hired, one of the bosses made a joke about me over the phone to another worker not knowing she was on loud speaker, just a heap of little things within a 2-3 hour space. 

Funny story, ran into the girl that was hired after me in another real estate office. She informed me that she and 2 other girls were fired on the spot after the boss got back from a boys weekend away. Turns out he lost all his money to cocaine and couldnt afford to pay them. Glad I got out when I did. Maybe it was a good thing I left after 3 hours.

I’ve also got a diploma of business and diploma of travel and tourism. I got a job in travel, and left after a week. Again, COMPETELY DISAPOINTED in myself. 

Had a job as a sales representative, lovedddddd it, and I left. I have no idea why and it was a huge mistake. The boss seemed to like me and was willing to work with me with shifts. Obviously at the time I thought it was the best thing for me but still, dumb Jess.

IM SO SHOCKED I HAVENT QUIT THIS BLOG YET TO BE HONEST.

I guess none of this means anything as long as I’m successful and to me to be successful is to be happy and a decent person.

But I’m not even that. No way near it.

I’ve had sooooooo many people tell me that I put way to much pressure on myself. But I don’t get that. I’m 20, yea I’m young whatever. But time is flying by, it takes like 4 years to save for a deposit for a house. But I also want to travel, and then the car breaks down and life happens and bam no money and can’t buy a house until I’m 35. Which, don’t get me wrong, is not bad at all. But you have to work harder when your older. If I buy a house say in four years, 24. Future me will thank me. I have to work hard, so hard right now in order for further me to have a roof over my head and to have travelled the world. 

Not only that but ok I’ll relax, stop putting pressure on myself, I have time. Bam, I’m 25, and EVERYONE will be judging or have something to say. Like I don’t have a career or money or a house and mum will want me out and people will think I’m a bum. I will think I’m a bum. So don’t tell me I put to much pressure on myself, cause I do, I know. But how am I suppose to be chill, when nothing will happen in my life unless I work for it. Work hard for it! I won’t stop until I am happy and I know the future  will be ok.

Anyway, with that all written down I feel a bit better. I have to wake up at 6am and its 11:30pm. I’m going to die. I need a solid 8 hours to function. 

Goodnight guys !

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