Guys, this is a super personal blog. I’m posting this to educate and also find people like me.
Derealisation/depersonalisation are conditions that so similar that people never know really know which one they have. I have both. (I will be referring to them as DR/DP). It is best described as a type of anxiety caused by trauma and now your brain is trying to protect itself. So now you view things differently and effects your whole life. I really hope that made sense haha. If it doesn’t, talking about the symptoms and my experience might clear some things up.
I’ve spent the past few weeks trying to finish this off because I’m finding it really hard to put it into words, super hard to put how I feel and what I’m experiencing in a way that makes sense.
Derealisation – affects how someone sees the world.
‘Episodes of derealization are characterized by a feeling of unreality or detachment from, or unfamiliarity with, the world, be it individuals, inanimate objects, or all surroundings. The individual may feel as if he or she were in a fog, dream, or bubble, or as if there were a veil or a glass wall between the individual and world around. Surroundings may be experienced as artificial, colorless, or lifeless. Derealization is commonly accompanied by subjective visual distortions, such as blurriness, heightened acuity, widened or narrowed visual field, two-dimensionality or flatness, exaggerated three-dimensionality, or altered distance or size of objects, termed macropsia or micropsia.’ – https://psychcentral.com/disorders/depersonalization-derealization-disorder-symptoms/
Depersonalisation – affects how someone sees themselves.
‘In the case of depersonalization, the individual may feel detached from his or her entire being (e.g., “I am no one,” “I have no self”). He or she may also feel subjectively detached from aspects of the self, including feelings (e.g., hypoemotionality: “I know I have feelings but I don’t feel them”), thoughts (e.g., “My thoughts don’t feel like my own,” “head filled with cotton”), whole body or body parts, or sensations (e.g., touch, proprioception, hunger, thirst, libido). There may also be a diminished sense of agency (e.g., feeling robotic, like an automaton; lacking control of one’s speech or movements).’ – https://psychcentral.com/disorders/depersonalization-derealization-disorder-symptoms/
Both of these can lead to panic attacks, high levels of anxiety, depression, low self esteem, phobias, visual snow, distorted vision, chest pain, pins and needles in ones leg or arm. These things obviously don’t help to get better.
(I would firstly like to state that this is my understanding of the condition I suffer from and my symptoms. EVERYONE EXPERIENCES THINGS DIFFERENTLY. Also if after reading this, you realise you may suffer from this, please please please message me because I would love to talk to people who know what I’m talking about and how I feel and I would love to be there for you guys.)
I suffer from this condition CONSTANTLY. It never goes away. I know a few people who get it when they are having anxiety or panic attacks. I’ve also have had this condition for about 7-8 years and I still find it hard as to talk about and can never find the words to explain it without sounding ridiculous.Please don’t think I’m weird or crazy. There is no cure.
.When I Realised.
I remember 7-8 years ago driving in a car in a place we had just moved to and going around a round about and thinking, ‘wait, is this a dream? is this real?’I remember freaking out but thinking that it will pass but it never did. I remember thinking about my body and how it felt now. How I felt like I’m not in touch with my body at all or my surroundings. I honestly don’t know how it feels to be normal.
.How I Feel.
I feel as though I am constantly in a movie or in a dream or like I’m watching behind a window.Sometimes I feel as if I don’t have control of my body and that everything I do is automatic. When I touch things I know how they feel like soft or pikey but I feel as if I don’t have a connection to them as much as I should like I’m kind of touching them through another person. (The touching thing is the hardest thing to explain). Another way of explaining it would be that me as person is in my head and I don’t ‘fill out’ my body.
So as I stated above it is like watching a movie/like I’m watching behind glass/like I’m in a dream. What I mean by this is that what I see and how I see things is different. If you think about the last dream you had and when you think about it it’s blurry. It looks like white noise that a TV can make is over the top of your dream. This ‘white noise’ dream like state is exactly what I see. I’ve had eye scans, eye tests and head scans and I have perfect eye vision and my head is fine. Everything is fine, there is nothing wrong. Everything looks two dimensional.
Because of this, I find it either to easy or to hard to make decisions depending on how I feel that day. I can either super overthink something or agree to something because I honestly don’t think because I’m in my own head, don’t really think about it and I feel like it’s a dream so I’m like, ‘whatever’. Because of this dream like state I’m very much I’m my own head, in my own little world. Again, because of this I feel as if life is passing by so fast because I never feel that I’m in a moment until it’s to late and I go home and say I went to Europe. I know I went there I have some memories but did I actually go? I feel it is sooooo hard to actually absorb things.
I’m so terrified to wake up and in a blink of an eye being 89 and thinking where did my life go…
.Things That Can Help.
I find taking time to super focus on my other senses can help. So, for an example, I’ll sit at a park and close my eyes and feel the wind on my skin, how it feels, how cold or warm it is. Really focusing making me feel my own body and make me know that it’s mine, in hopes to draw myself out of my head. Or I’ll close my eyes and touch something that is smooth and focus on ME touching IT. I do this because obviously I can’t trust my eyes as to absorbing my surroundings so I have to use my other senses. I also find squinting or just having one eye open can help. I don’t know why but everything seems more real… Werid..
I also try and talk to myself. Hahahhaha hahahahaha I’m crazy. But by this I mean I’ll say, ‘I see that tree, I see that green snake, I see that green car.’ Sort of helps with the eye thing and drawing myself out of my head.
I find I never have time to do these things, because I’ve had it for so long now it just my everyday life, I forget about it and live. But it’s there, and life is going to fast and I have no idea what’s happening or what I’m doing. I was going to really focus on getting better this year, but a spanner has really been thrown in the works lately, which I’ll talk about later.
These trick have been know to get better.
If anyone has tips, pleassssseeeee let me know. Any questions please ask..
I’m Jess and I suffer from depersonalisation and derealisation. I’ll get better..
Thanks for reading..